The Tonic Peddler
by Konstantinsen
Summary: A (shady) merchant selling unique "miracle-working" tonics has set up shop for a week outside Magnolia. Now who would fall for that? Fairy Tail, of course. And a few others. It does not end well. (Ch. 10 - Wendy and syrup)
1. Nausea Cure (Natsu & Gajeel)

**NOTE: Hi. This idea popped into my head one night. It was getting distracting after a few weeks so I decided to write it down and post it here. Hope you like it.**

* * *

Bazaar Week was one of Magnolia's sporadic events that occurred when the merchants traveling through town were numerous enough to warrant seven days of peddling wares to help boost the local economy. That and to allow certain types among the populace to procure certain products that would have alarmed the Magic Council.

While most of the vendors set up their stalls along Central Path and the market square, one particular businessman set up his yurt on one of the many hills overlooking Magnolia. The lot was wide enough to accommodate his vast collection of oddities, rare trinkets, and portable distillery while the surrounding wildlife were effectively dissuaded from ransacking the place thanks to the strong fumes that followed the smoke pluming out of the top.

It did not take long for word to reach the locals about the unusual and allegedly "miracle-working" tonics that were being peddled outside town. An experienced shopper would have steered clear but, of course, there were those who were either curious or desperate. Or stupid.

* * *

Natsu and Gajeel had decided on their own initiatives to visit the so-called 'Tonic Peddler' after picking up on the fanfare. Apparently, he was the only one man in all of Fiore (and perhaps even the whole continent) who was selling a long-term antidote to motion sickness. And he was just outside Magnolia for a week. After that, poof.

"You've got to be kidding," Lucy protested. "The guy's shady!"

"Troia spells don't work on me, anymore, Luce," Natsu argued. "Unless you want to put up with me every time we travel on...trains...and carriages..." He stopped himself to avoid the bile from rising.

"Fine, I get your point but there are other solutions out there! I'm sure there are better, _legal_ alternatives to that stuff."

"Never said it was illegal," he countered. "Come on, Happy. We got some medicine to purchase!"

"Aye, sir!" the blue exceed cheerfully agreed, sprouting wings and following Natsu out the doors of the Fairy Tail guild hall.

"Natsu, wait!" Lucy stood and made to chase after them, eventually disappearing into the street. "Do you even have enough money to pay for that?"

Meanwhile, in the far back, Gajeel made to stand only to be tugged back down by Lily. He scowled at the darker exceed. "What?"

"I know what you're thinking. I don't think it's wise," Lily warned.

"Come on," Gajeel growled. "I think it's worth a shot. Besides, I'll see what happens to Salamander first."

The exceed only sighed. Then plopped down to the floor to follow him outside. "I'll make sure you don't regurgitate."

* * *

"Welcome, welcome!" the Tonic Peddler jovially greeted.

While Natsu and Happy found the interior to be fascinating, Lucy could read 'suspicious' and 'illegal' all over the many glass jars, potions, and whatever ingredients were used to make the stuff in them. That and the pungent scent that permeated the tent was...soothing. Somewhat. It was giving her a weird feeling in her stomach yet was so calming.

"Name your poison," the vendor began, causing Lucy to stop in her tracks with wide eyes. "Or alchemical solution. I have both and more, ha-ha!"

"I'll have that stuff that kills motion sickness," Natsu raised eagerly, completely ignoring the large eyeball submerged in a glass jar near his arm that _just moved to look at him._

The Peddler nudged his stubble. "Motion-sickness... Yes, that's right. I have what you need. Wait here, sir."

Lucy walked up to her partner as the merchant disappeared behind a shelf of...things. Weird, freaky things that looked as though they were moving on their own despite the fact that each one was soaked in some kind of preservative. "Natsu, are you sure about this? I don't like the feel of this place."

"Aw, everything's fine, Luce! Trust me. I can't even sniff out anything weird here," he cheerfully replied. "In fact, you're the only weird thing here! Right, Happy?"

"Aye..."

"Happy?"

The two wizards saw the exceed gawking dumbly at a large aquarium to the far right, housing a peculiar school of fish. Or what looked like fish. Well, the things swimming in the container had fins. And fingers. And human ears. And eyes that _just looked at them!_ Lucy made to pull him away for the sake of his sanity. For all she knew, Happy could be under the spell of those...aquatic things.

Natsu tilted his head. "Nice fish."

Lucy made to quip when the Peddler appeared and plopped a rounded flask on the desk. The strong greenish tint on the glass masked the true color of the liquid sloshing inside it which, to the celestial mage, was not assuring in the least.

"Sweet! How much?"

"You're seriously going for it!?" Lucy snarked.

The vendor rapped his fingers against the hardwood before declaring, "Because I have a good feeling about you, I'd be willing to let this go for five hundred Jewel."

"Five hundred Jewel? Alright!" Natsu then suddenly turned to Lucy. "Hey, Luce, you got five hundred on you?"

"As if!"

"Come on, it's not even that expensive."

"It's practically cheap," Happy added.

"Cheap enough to make me want to call the army," Lucy growled. She eyed the Peddler who only grinned at her, looking smug and innocent. Then she noticed that Natsu was still staring at her with his hand out. "You can't be serious."

"Just five hundred and I'll pay you from the money on our next job."

From behind the counter, the Tonic Peddler only grinned, amused to see the customers bicker in front of him. This was such a joyous first day. Word of mouth spread like wildfire and he could practically feel the Jewel sitting in his palms before he saw it come out of the blonde's purse. Business would be booming in the next seven days; he was sure of it.

"Sweet!" Natsu cheered, holding up the flask. "Say, how long does the effect usually last?"

"Well, three gulps should keep away the nausea for at least a week," the vendor explained. "The whole bottle should last a month if you travel very often."

"Wow, if it's that potent then I'll just chug this down and take on all those long-distance jobs."

"Natsu," Lucy pleaded behind grinding teeth. "I don't think you should take that lightly. Who knows what it could really do! I mean, I don't trust this place."

"Have some faith, Luce. From now on, you won't have to worry about me barfing out the window every time we take the...train." Natsu paused to swallow some air. "Hell, we could take more of those high-paying escort jobs!"

The celestial mage looked to her only solace around but the blue exceed was back in front of the aquarium, face and paws pressed against the glass. "Really, Happy!? How is that even appetizing!"

"The fish aren't for sale, I'm afraid," the Peddler remarked.

"Not interested!" Lucy growled, dragging both the fire dragon slayer and the exceed outside.

* * *

Not long after, the flap flew open and a larger man with piercings and rough spiky hair occupied the space in front of the counter. A small black cat with a scar and a sword followed suit. He was rather gruff but straight to the point despite his pet's protests.

"Motion-sickness, eh? Hold on, my good sir. I have just the cure for you."

Gajeel looked around and tried to appear nonplussed by the trinkets and odds and ends and _are those human-finger-fish?_ "What the hell...?"

"I guess there's a reason why it's called Bizarre Week," Lily chimed, poking at a stuffed pygmy head.

"It's Bazaar Week, but yeah. This is just...bizarre."

A thunk returned their attention to the vendor. The iron dragon slayer could feel a vein about to pop in his temples. In front of him was clearly a whiskey bottle with the label haphazardly ripped off and topped by a cork that had already been skewered. Inside was a thick cherry fluid that reminded him of cough medicine.

"Is this it?"

The Peddler nodded. "One thousand Jewel."

Grumbling, Gajeel forked over the cash and eyed the bottle carefully. It was obvious that the container was recycled and whatever was sloshing inside looked like it had been cooked up in the back of an alley. Probably made from the same stuff that was all around him in this freaky-ass tent. "This better be worth it."

"Oh, I assure you, it is damn well worth the price," the vendor said with a smile. "You'll feel the effects in an instant. Three gulps and you'll be enjoying your train rides without worry for a week."

"A week, huh?"

"I don't even know why you even believe what he's telling you," Lily groused. "I doubt that would even work."

Gajeel ignored him. He made his way outside, despite the tiny voice in his head that screamed at him that he was being scammed. He was more concerned about finally being relieved from the damn side effect of being a dragon slayer. Even for a week. Just seven days to actually enjoy a non-gut-churning train-ride—a luxury denied of him. That would make all those far-flung jobs easier.

* * *

It was an odd sight, to be sure. Most teams huddled together around their own tables but on this particular day, the guild hall appeared to be segregating two spheres of influence (if there was no better description for it). On the right, Natsu was completely isolated from his everyone around him; Lucy, Gray, Juvia, and even Happy were keeping their distance. Three tables away and mum.

Across the hall, on the far left corner, the same could be said for a sulking Gajeel. The fact that Levy and Pantherlily sat behind Jet and Droy four whole yards away spoke volumes. Both groups were completely reticent. It was as though the dragon slayers were infected with some sort of virus. And it seemed so serious that no one was even talking. Let alone moving.

"A bad day to be a dragon slayer," Cana slurred from the end of the bar.

"You'd think they'd be happy that they completed their jobs without incident," Mira said.

Cana chuckled. " _Without incident_ , huh. You ever noticed something about their last job, right?"

"That Natsu and Gajeel managed to work together without causing a scene? Or maybe the long distances?"

"Hah! More than that. They both had to ride the trains and you know how they get all motion sick."

"I can understand that." Mira stopped what she was doing and raised her hands to cup her mouth. "Oh my...did they...vomit? Was it that bad?"

Cana burst into raucous laughter before settling against the polished hardwood. Wiping away a tear, she gulped down a fresh bottle and grinned like a cheshire cat. "It was much better!"

"So they didn't vomit?"

"You know that weird potion tent just outside of town?"

Mira pondered a bit. "The 'Tonic Shop', right? 'Tonic Peddler'?"

"Yep. Apparently, Natsu and Gajeel believed that the guy had a big-time cure to their motion sickness. So he sold them a bottle each."

"And?"

Cana had already emptied her spirits and reached for another while trying to contain her bubbling laughter. "It actually worked. They weren't motion sick for the whole five hours of the trip!"

"That's great to hear."

"But...but there was a side-effect that got left out during the transaction." Before she continued, Cana belched out another laugh that was loud enough to earn her the glares of both Natsu and Gajeel from their respective corners of the hall. "I don't know if the guy was screwing with them because the medicine doubled as a super strong laxative."

Mira felt her jaw drop. So that explains... "Oh."

"You could imagine those two lug-heads trying to keep themselves from shitting all over their seats for hours while the train rumbled. Hah! It cracks me up just thinking about it!"

"Oh, well. At least they didn't...let themselves go."

Cana stared at Fairy Tail's poster girl as she went back to wiping the plates clean. She waited until she looked back at her.

"Yes, Cana?"

"Oh, they let themselves go alright."

Mira's eyes went wide. Her hands froze mid-wipe.

"There were some bandits on the train but when they saw the boxcars full of shit...and the cargo covered in shit...and, and"—Cana wheezed, nearly choking on her alcohol—"Happy crying because his wings were covered in shit! Oh shit, ha-ha! No one wanted to rob the train! They all wanted to get out because it smelled so bad. I think the conductor fainted before they reached Hargeon."

"That's...quite descriptive."

"It gets better," she continued. "You see, the smell was so bad that when the train rolled into the station, the passengers almost caused a stampede from trying to get out. I mean, the package was fine but cleaning it cost the client so much that he had to halve the pay."

Mira forced a smile despite the retching feeling in her stomach. Not like she was going to have lunch today. Neither did the other guild wizards that accompanied the rather unfortunate dragon slayers on that mission. "At least they ensured the goods reached their destination and they came out of it in one piece."

"Guess who cleaned up the mess."

The bartender tried not to look in the direction of both Levy and Lucy.

Cana plopped the empty bottle on the bar and sighed. "I feel bad for them, you know? Thinking about how many times they had to shower, how much deodorizer lacrima they burned through just to get rid of the smell... Man, getting that stuff splashed all over you really sucks."

Mira raised her hands. "I get the point, Cana."

"Makes you wonder. What exactly did Natsu and Gajeel eat before they took the job? I heard there were chunks—"

"Cana, why don't you see the request board for some work, eh?"

Cana shrugged. "If it makes you feel better, we could visit the Tonic Peddler later."

Mira opened her mouth but stopped herself. She paused then eyed the various people in the guild. All the potential couples that needed a gentle push to get them there. Her lip curved slightly into a smirk. "Not today."

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: October 31, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: November 1, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: October 31, 2017**

 **NOTE: I've written down a few other scenarios involving other Fairy Tail mages and the mysterious tonics they happened to purchase from the Tonic Peddler as well as their unique side-effects. I'll probably type them up soon...if I'm not busy or lazy.**


	2. Power Drink (Levy)

**NOTE: I pity Levy.**

* * *

Levy knew better—in fact, she naturally avoided anything that was marketed as some instant wonder-working solution. Yet, she still found herself standing in front of the yurt inwardly cursing her curiosity after hearing a rumor that the Tonic Peddler could have something that could possibly augment her reading and retentive faculties.

She somehow managed to avoid Natsu, Lucy, and Gajeel as they separately descended the hill. Levy would not risk talk of her falling for some ridiculous scam during Bazaar Week. She was, after all, smarter and wiser than that. But she still pressed on to the top, pushed the flap to the side and entered the tent.

"Ah, another customer!" the Peddler welcomed. "Do you need a solution to an ailment, my dear?"

Levy smiled weakly. Already, she did not like the eyes that were staring at her and _following her every move_ from their formaldehyde jars. She approached the counter and slightly nudged away the big floating eyeball that she was sure was ogling her hard. "H-hi. I had heard that you, um, had something that could enhance, uh, reading?"

The vendor tilted his head as though puzzled. Then his eyes snapped wide. "Of course! Yes, yes, I do, my dear. So you wish to improve your learning skills? An apt pupil of the literary arts, eh?"

"N-not in that way, no." Levy believed she was smarter than most people who finished academia. Not that she was vain or the sort, of course.

"I take it you just like to read a lot."

"Yes."

The Peddler raised a finger as he disappeared behind the large shelf that housed even more of those damn eyes. Levy was sure they used to belong to perverts by the way they lingered over her chest (not that she really minded; it was not common for people to actually take notice of that particular area of her body). Odd. She also could not shake away the calm that she was feeling. That and the pungent odor of spices, crushed herbs, and chemicals.

"Lucy was right. This is definitely shady."

"What was that, my dear?"

Levy shook her head and saw the bottle presented before her. It looked legitimate. She lifted it up, shook it, saw the bubbles rise to the surface, then placed it down. The neck of the bottle was slightly sticky while the whole thing looked like it had been in stock for quite some time given the dirt caking bottom of the glass.

"How does this work?"

The Peddler smiled. "Simple. This particular elixir would enhance your retention capabilities, widening your perspectives, and allow for easier reading and comprehension. In addition, if you're particularly forgetful, it ensure that you remember every bit that you digest with your mind. With this, you would no longer need to rely on those gale-force reading glasses that you intellectual types often carry with you."

"Right." Levy could tell half of that was probably bullshit. Still, she somehow felt partially convinced. Especially now that she remembered that Gajeel had very recently broken her pair of gale-force reading glasses during a guild brawl.

"I'll offer you a good price for that because you seem like such a sweet girl."

"R-right." Okay, now that was bordering on creepy.

"Two thousand Jewel."

Levy gawked at him. Seriously. That much? "Any lower?"

"I'm afraid not. Unless you would be generous enough to pay the full price, he-he."

The solid script mage dug into her handbag and handed him two neatly folded bills. She held up the potion that was now officially hers while somewhere, in the back of her mind, a voice was screaming at her to undo the sale.

Perhaps not. She'll give this one a chance. Besides, if Gajeel and Natsu would trust this guy with their own coin, then perhaps she would be impartial enough to help his business. Most of the merchants during Bazaar Week were trying to make a living after all.

* * *

That night, Levy had already gone through three whole stacks of brand new novels, opuses, and volumes upon volumes of encyclopedias faster than when she had her gale-force reading glasses. And that was just from drinking a quarter of that miracle potion. It was amazing. She started to feel slightly guilty for judging the Tonic Peddler.

As she lay down on her bed, Levy could still see all the words and pictures flashing vividly before her eyes. Her eyes barely ached from the reading but it was already late. She needed to rest because tomorrow Gajeel would be taking a long-distance escort job with Natsu (and for once, the two dragon slayers actually agreed on it without getting into a massive brawl).

Levy shut the lights and pulled the covers over her as she turned on her side. She shut her eyes and waited for dreamland while running through all the knowledge she had just gathered.

Okay, she needed to stop mentally drooling over the effects of the miracle potion. She had to get some shut-eye and rest her mind.

* * *

An hour had passed and Levy had gone through several sleeping positions on her bed. She was had yet to drift to sleep yet her mind was still running through all those words and pictures and concepts and numbers and...

"Come on, Levy!" she growled to herself. She grabbed her pillow and smothered herself with it.

Still, she felt so awake. So, so awake. She was starting to worry if she drank too much of the potion. Perhaps there were side effects?

* * *

Three hours into the night and Levy was pacing around her room. She fixed what she could fix, cleaned what she could clean, triple-checked her things, and yet she was still feeling pumped up. No sign of exhaustion whatsoever.

Levy threw herself onto her bed then sat up, crumpling the covers. "What the hell?"

She eyed the flask sitting on her bedside table. She reached over and turned the bottle to check for anything she may have missed. Only thing is...the section that detailed anything beyond its miracle-working effects was conveniently faded...or smudged out.

"Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it."

Levy blew air through her lips. She knew it. She fucking knew it and she still fell for it. She was scammed. Miracle-working potion her ass, this was a goddamn poison of the mind! She wanted to chuck the bottle against the wall but decided against it. It would be another mess she'd have to clean and she didn't feeling like going to the storage closet down the hall to retrieve the mop and dust pan.

Instead, she dejectedly fell back down on her bed and tried to force herself to sleep.

* * *

The sound of the roosters cackling told Levy that it was close to dawn now. She rocked back and forth on her bed, hugging her pillow, as her eyes were weighted by heavy bags. She barely got an ounce of sleep. And still, somehow, for some god-forsaken reason, she still remembered every _single damn detail_ of the books she had just read hours ago. What the hell kind of a potion—no, it was a poison!—did she just buy?

Gajeel and the others would be waiting for her at the train station in a couple hours. Maybe then, she might be able to get some shut-eye during the trip. Though that was counter-productive as they did sign up as a security detail to protect some precious cargo for five hours. She could let Gajeel and Natsu do the work—they did say they had something to deal with their motion sickness.

Levy ran her hands through her hair, pulling out strands of it and scattering them on the floor. She was going crazy. This insomnia was the work of the devil. No... It was the work of the bastard who brewed this cursed philter that she was gullible enough to purchase!

"Levy, you just screwed yourself," she groaned at the ceiling.

* * *

The early morning air at the Magnolia Train Station did no wonders for her mood. Levy dragged herself to the platform where her guild mates were waiting.

"Levy! Whoa, what happened?" Lucy asked worriedly. "You alright?"

The solid script mage gave her a haphazard wave. "Couldn't sleep. Need sleep."

"You okay, Shrimp?"

Levy eyed Gajeel. He strangely had an air of confidence about him, she could sense it even in her exhausted brain. Him and Natsu. Seemed like they weren't bothered at all by the train that they were stepping into. Guess they were really trusting that motion-sickness cure. Then again, did they buy that from the same guy who sold her the damn decoction from Hell?

Before she realized it, Levy was mumbling curses and mangled warnings to not trust that shady merchant. She was whisked inside by her fellow guild mates as steam whistled from the far end of the tracks and the locomotive began to move.

Levy plopped against the crates in the rear boxcar where the the client's goods were kept. Thankfully padlocked. Part of her told her to write up a few sealing enchantments for good measure but the rest of her mind cried for sleep.

Lucy rubbed her back. "Hey, you okay?"

"I'm fine, Lu...I'm fine..." she muttered tiredly.

"I don't know about Levy," Natsu began, "but I'm feeling alright! Man, that cure sure is worth it. I can sit back and relax now."

Gajeel let out a soft humph of agreement as he rested his chin over his arm, watching the scenery speed past the window. "Ain't feeling anything bad."

"Not just yet..." Levy growled. She raised her head and already knew that they were all screwed. The relaxed looks on the dragon slayers faces contorted into sharp, pained grimaces followed by the audible rumbling in their stomachs.

"Don't tell me you guys didn't have breakfast," Lucy carped.

"We did! It was a buffet, too!" Happy protested, flying over to Natsu who was groveling against the floor while gripping his stomach. Gajeel also began to cuddle into the fetal position on his corner, breathing heavily and cursing the ceiling.

"Natsu! Gajeel! You guys alright?"

Levy gripped Lucy's shoulder. "Side-effect, side-effect..."

"What side-effect? What are you talking abou—"

The next thing the ladies knew, they were assaulted by the horrid stench of flatulence. Unfortunately for them, that would later prove to be the least of their worries.

* * *

At the end of the day, when all was said and done, Levy could still remember every single thing that she had read the previous night in fine detail. She inwardly cursed the Tonic Peddler to Hell with all the rage she could muster as she chucked the accursed elixir into the lake.

Needless to say, Levy was unable to sleep for the next two nights.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: November 1, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: November 2, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: November 2, 2017**

 **NOTE: Feel free to let me know of any plot-holes or stuff.**


	3. One Shot Wonder (Cana)

Cana could smell the fumes even before she reached the top of the hill. She knew what her cards had to say about this place but omens be damned, she heard there was good spirits here and she intended to find out if they lived up to the hype. So she pulled the flap to the side and was immediately welcomed by the hundred or so preserved eyeballs that for some reason uniformly angled towards her from their respective containers.

She kept her hands in her pockets but made sure her fingers had pinched a few good cards just in case. All she could see where dirty bottles, an aquarium of marine... _things_...and a few other knick-knacks that she could tell were (illegally) collected (harvested) from somewhere. That just made her all the more curious.

"Hello, hello! Step right up, dear," the Peddler greeted as he emerged from behind the shelf in the far back.

"So you're the guy with the solution to everything, huh," Cana gibed.

Interestingly, the vendor sniggered. "My wares do work wonders for my clients. I sometimes think they might be too effective seeing as none of them ever come back. Ha!"

"Right." Cana leaned against the counter. "For a potion shop, I'm a little curious. Word on the street is that you've got a few drinks with that certain kick, you know?"

"Depends on what kick you're after, dear," he replied with a sharp glint in his eye.

Cana took that as a challenge and whirled to face the man with her teeth bared in a wicked grin. "Where're these 'strongest spirits in all of Fiore'?"

The Tonic Peddler clapped his hands in excitement. For a moment, the aura around him darkened. He let out a deep chuckle before procuring a tin flask. He then unscrewed the cap, releasing a powerful fermented aroma that overpowered the pungent herbal fumes.

"Holy shit," Cana mouthed. The smell alone was strong. Really strong. Stronger than strong. It was...just _damn, that's heavy._ In all her years of drinking, she could easily tell the power of a cold one just by the whiff of it. And nothing could compare to this powerhouse that was sitting right under her nose. She had to have it. Her heart ached for it. Her liver ached (well, it was surprising she didn't get hospitalized for liver failure since that one time) for it.

The vendor's grin reached his ears. "Three thousand Jewel."

"You're willing to let it go for that much?" Cana asked as her hand wrapped around the flask.

"If you're generous, you could—"

A wad of bills were flattened against the countertop. The Peddler watched the Fairy Tail mage—his third one so far—disappear into the outside. Poor girl, he mused. She was so excited that she did not even bother asking about the details.

* * *

Cana decided to hold off until she got back to the guild. And when she did, she already had the attention of half of those present around the bar.

"Seriously? That guy actually sells liquor?" Macao asked.

"And are you even sure it's alcohol?" Wakaba added.

Mira watched as Cana unscrewed the cap. And the most potent tang swept the hall, smacking everyone in their noses and making them wonder if such a drink could actually be fermented or processed to that stage.

"Strongest spirits in all of Fiore, boys," Cana declared as she held the flask up for all to see. "Can it live up to the hype?"

Macao raised his hand. "Are you sure? I mean, it could be something else..."

"You worry too much. I know spirits when I smell 'em. Now don't ruin my quality drinking time." With that, Cana Alberona took a swig.

And promptly passed out on the floor.

* * *

Several hours later, Macao held up the flask against Cana's face. "'One Shot Wonder', huh? Took you out in one shot."

She rubbed her temples with her eyes still screwed shut before she ended up plopping her chin on the bar. The sound of the drink still sloshing against its shell rang painfully in her ears. Almost every membrane in her skull resonated so hard it sent pangs to every nerve ending. "Shit. This hangover's killing me..."

"Never thought I'd see the day," Wakaba remarked, making another drag on his cigar.

"Oh?" Cana eyed both of them dryly. "You want to try?"

The two other mages shook their heads and handed the flask to an observant Mira. The barkeep turned to Fairy Tail's toughest drunk and smiled. "You want another?"

Cana paused. Her head was still spinning somewhat and it was already dark outside. How long had she been out again? "I'm heading home."

"But what about your drink?"

She was about to bark something snarky when a thought crossed her mind. She quickly snagged the potent beverage off Mira's hands and made for the door. "I'm taking the train tonight."

* * *

"Well, well now," Bacchus slurred. "You came all the way here just to challenge me? Ready to lose again, hot stuff?"

Cana simpered confidently. She unscrewed the cap on the flask, letting the aroma swamp the entire Quatro Cerberus guild hall, before pouring herself and Bacchus a shot each. "Not with this baby. The strongest spirits in all of Fiore right here in front of you."

"My, my... I've heard rumors but didn't think it'd be true."

"You do the honors." Cana pushed the glass towards her opponent, still sporting her devilish grin. "This time, I'm raising the stakes."

Bacchus whistled. He eyed her top as he cuddled his glass. "I get a prize, right?"

"Only if you win."

* * *

The following day, Laxus and the Thunder Legion arrived at the Quatro Cerberus guild hall to find both Bacchus and Cana sprawled flat on the floor. A few quick words with the other guild members, even their master Goldmine, and Laxus had Cana slumped over his shoulder. Not surprisingly, she reeked of both sweat and alcohol which both combined to create an acerbic scent that burned the hairs off his nose canals.

"You forgot this," Goldmine called, tossing a tin flask their way.

Freed caught it and unscrewed the cap. He recoiled as much as the rest of his fellow teammates before screwing it shut. "What is _this_?"

Goldmine shrugged. "No idea. But she showed up here waving it around. Can't say she or our boy here lasted long."

Laxus turned to continue walking before anyone could say something along the lines of 'getting wild' while trying his best to ignore the stinking drunk he had the inconvenience of carrying back home. If he would be doing this more often in the near future, then he was going to have Mira water down all the drinks.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: November 5, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: November 6, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: November 6, 2017**

 **NOTE: Back in my freshman year of college, I went to help set up a party at this venue for the following night. And this chick (she was cute) who was next to me stank of both sweat and liquor. I did not go to the party but I also did not want to approach that girl when I saw her again.**

 **Next chapter will involve Juvia, pain ointment, and Gray.**


	4. Muscle Relaxant (Gray)

**NOTE: Heads up. This chapter has a few not-so-intimate scenes.**

* * *

Juvia held the clamshell close to her chest. She was excited. Very excited. But also nervous and a little guilty. Despite her previous (misfortunate) experiences with counterfeit dealers like Mag Drug, she still found it in herself to overcome her better judgment and go for what the Tonic Peddler had to offer.

"Don't you worry, my beloved Gray," she muttered as she descended the hill towards Magnolia. "Juvia has finally found a solution to your muscle pains. Her warm, gentle hands will be all you need, my darling."

* * *

"My back's killing me," Gray groaned for nth time today.

"I'm sorry," Wendy apologized as she released her arms from his muscled back. The light from her palms faded as she retreated back onto her seat, clearly exhausted. "It's all I could muster for now. It would still take me days to recover enough to actually help more."

"You should really get some rest," Charle insisted.

Gray leaned back against the bench. His whole body ached. His arms, his legs, his front and back. Yesterday's job was severely exhausting. Tackling renegade wizards, their juggernaut lackeys, and a few escaped convicts with just Wendy and Charle had taken a physical toll on him.

"Why didn't you bring Natsu along with you, anyway?" Macao asked from the adjacent table.

The ice mage scoffed. "You kidding me? Have you even heard of what that idiot did at Hargeon? I still wouldn't go near him with a ten-foot pole."

Wakaba sighed. "I guess you have a point. Be better if you just sit back and take a break for a while."

"Juvia can help you with that!" the water mage chirped from behind. Her sleeves had already been rolled up upon suddenly appearing from behind a pillar. Already, her hands were glistening with some sort of gel and she rubbed them together before she pressed her hands against Gray's shoulders. The ice mage gasped but offered little resistance to her grip.

"Juvia, I'm not in the mood for—" His voice hitched in his throat. The pressure on his shoulders somehow killed the sores. "Whoa..."

Macao, Wakaba, Wendy, and Charle eyed him. They could not be possibly witnessing something unusual. Gray was actually _enjoying_ a back rub from Juvia. He was even moaning while the water mage kneaded her fingers skillfully against his deltoids and then down his upper back.

"How are you feeling, darling?"

"Juvia...I..." Gray let out another pleasured moan to which Charle whisked Wendy to polar opposite corner of the guild hall. "...yeah, right there. That's the spot."

She shushed him as she pushed him down against the table, her hands now working all around the bulges on his bare back and arms. "Relax, darling. Juvia will do anything to help you ease your pain."

Macao nodded to Wakaba. This was indeed one of the weirdest things they had seen in a long while. Though they wished that it was the other way around. So they decided to stay and observe (entirely to sate their curiosity, not because Juvia had a seductive form that would make any man feel tingly while she worked like a trained masseuse). They then silently made bets to find out how long Gray would last until he snapped out of it and started pushing Juvia away again.

* * *

Lisanna and Mirajane's conversation died out after noticing how rather audible Gray was becoming. They angled their heads from the bar to the middle of the guild hall.

The ice mage was effectively flattened against the surface of the table, a look of pure pleasure plastered all over his face complete with drool pooling around his cheek. His whole body—from his neck to his to his toes—was thoroughly being massaged by a beaming Juvia while Macao and Wakaba watched with restrained gusto. And for some reason, Gray's skin sparkled.

Mira squealed while Lisanna tried to keep her hand over her sister's mouth, herself quite flushed.

* * *

"Looks like Juvia's getting all handsy over there," Bickslow sniggered from their spot on the far right of the guild hall.

"Handsy, handsy, handsy!" chanted the half-sentient objects that danced around his head.

"Honestly, that is becoming rather inappropriate," Freed groused. "They should take that someplace else."

"I wouldn't mind being in their shoes for once," Evergreen remarked. She suddenly stiffened and tacked on a thick scowl while folding her arms tight over her chest. "N-not that I there is anyone I'd be willing to do that to!"

Bickslow snickered. "You mean you want to get all handsy with Elfman?"

"Shut up!"

Laxus growled. He haphazardly craned his head towards the on-going spectacle. "Hey, you two! Get a room!"

* * *

Macao and Wakaba quickly edged away, pretending not to be noticing, when Juvia clasped her hands together to apologize to everyone who seemed annoyed by the sight. She then nudged Gray to wake him up from his euphoria.

Gray blinked a few times before finally registering what he had willingly let himself go through. "What the hell?"

"Darling, are you feeling better?"

Gray turned his head only to wet his other cheek with his own spit. "Shit. Yeah, I'm fine." Strangely though, his body felt so relaxed. Gone were the aching in his joints, the stiff muscles, the pain throbbing all over his body. He felt utter bliss. It felt as though he had just been given the best treatment at a wellness spa.

Juvia squeaked. "That's great! Juvia is happy that you are feeling better."

"Yeah, heh. Thanks. You, um, you did good..." Gray tried to push himself up but found himself too lax to do so. Perhaps it was because he was finally feeling _really_ good for the first time in a long time. Then he remembered how awkward this must be. Honestly, he did not expect her to be so good at that. "H-how did you learn to...do that?"

"Oh, well, Juvia did dabble in quite a few sidelines here and there."

"Right. Anyway, I should get some blood flowing." And that was when Gray realized that his body refused to obey any of the commands his brain sent them. "...the hell?"

The ice mage made to move his fingers. To his absolute horror, he could only so much as nudge one or two against the other. Both his arms were out of commission. They hung limply off his torso like dead weights. Then he felt for his toes. He could wiggle them. He could feel his legs. But that was it; he couldn't move them too.

"Shit..."

"Gray darling? Is everything alright?"

Gray's eyes had grown to the size of saucers. His pupils followed Juvia's form hunch over in front of his face, looking very worried. "J-juvia...what did you _do to me_!?"

Juvia was a little shocked. "Juvia massaged you! Juvia tried to ease your pain. D-did Juvia not do a good job?"

"I...can't...move!"

A few tables away, Macao grudgingly handed Wakaba two thousand Jewel.

* * *

"Oh my," Mira remarked as she towered over Gray's immobile form on the table. Half the guild had surrounded the ice mage as he lay flat on the table in only his boxers. Constant poking had provoked a rather angry response from him that proved that he was still able to feel his nerve endings.

"Juvia was too hard on him. Juvia hurt him so bad he couldn't do anything!" the water mage wailed.

Lisanna patted her back. "It's not your fault. Gray just probably had a really tough day and...well, muscles tend to, you know, tense up...I guess."

All the while, Gray heard the buzz of a mosquito against his ear. He tried to raise his hand to swat it away but only ended up swinging it pathetically below the table. The mosquito landed on the side of his nose. And bit down. Hard.

He let out a mangled growl then quickly resorted to magic to do something about this. He could feel the ice channeling through his hands until he felt that tinging on the tip of his fingers. His nails were already showing hints of frost. Unfortunately, the only thing he managed to do was freeze the table he was laying on. The mosquito was still on his nose and getting fat too.

"Hey, is it me or is Gray really oily all over?" Warren asked after what felt like an eternity of conversation.

All eyes turned to Juvia. The water mage wiped her face. "Juvia used a muscle relaxant to help alleviate my darling Gray's pain."

"You...used a...muscle...relaxant?" the ice mage grounded out. (The now plump mosquito happily flew away after he clacked his jaw.) He so wanted to be able to at least move his arms. Not to strangle the poor girl; just to grab her arms and shake her like a rag doll. Because he effectively was one right now. (And the mosquito's damn itch was still raging on his nose.)

"Did you rub it all over him?" Mira prodded.

"Y-yes," Juvia replied.

"Do you still have any of that ointment left?"

The water mage produced the clamshell from her pocket. Mira undid the lid and sampled some of the gel with her fingers. Then she sighed. "Powdered lacrima. That explains the sparkles. Maybe this is why Gray's paralyzed."

"I'm...what?"

"Laxus!" Mira called. "Could you come over here, please?"

The bulky blonde sighed and lazily made his way towards the table while Lisanna set to work wiping Gray dry with a rag. A quick order later and Laxus grudgingly hefted the near-naked ice mage over his shoulder to the infirmary while mutedly grumbling about being treated as the guild's unofficial butler.

* * *

"Juvia is so sorry! Juvia didn't know she was swindled by a greedy, lying schemer."

Gray remained unmoving as he lay on the bed. Most of his body was immobile. Or more appropriately, he was so extremely relaxed that everything was a dead weight; he was too weak (too chill) to move. What the hell kind of a poison did this crazy woman get her hands on anyway?

"Juvia will make it up to you! Juvia will be your nurse until you recover."

"Oh...God...no..."

"Juvia also collected your clothes. Juvia will now make sure you're properly dressed while resting. Can't have all these flies pecking away at you while you're exposed like this. Please stay still, Gray darling."

"No...Juvia...don't..." Gray angled his head to the door, his face pleading at the wooden finish as though it was a sentient being. "Someone...get in...here..."

"Now, now," the water mage said with a wide flashy smile as she held up his white polo shirt.

Gray could only helplessly mumble while Juvia took his arms and had her way with them trying to slip in the sleeves of his shirt. She wrapped hers under his back and pushed him to sit up only for his torso to limply sag against her hold as she tried to drag the rest of his clothing over his bare back.

"Juvia...stop..."

She began humming as though she didn't even hear him.

"Come on...it's not...necessary..." he somehow managed to drawl out. For one, he was feeling warm from the bed alone. Second, she did not have to dress him! Third, this was going to get really awkward real quick and he hoped and prayed to God that she wouldn't touch him there—

Juvia screeched.

"What is...it?" Gray could see her recoil her arm, dropping him against the mattress as her face had gone completely red. Then he felt his cheeks warm up now that blood began pumping down there. "Ah shit...shit...shit..."

"Juvia is s-sorry! Juvia didn't mean t-to touch y-your..."

The ice mage screamed inwardly upon seeing (and feeling) the bulge rise against his now tight boxers.

* * *

Downstairs, Lisanna handed her sister the empty mugs she collected. Discounting Juvia's innocent accident with Gray, it had been an unusually quite day at the guild so far. Probably because Natsu was at the lake for the third day in a row still trying to bathe away his own stink. Not to mention Gajeel who might be drowning in a tub of soap. She then noticed the clamshell pushed against some of the other unsorted bottles.

"Mira, I'm curious. How long until Gray could move?"

Mirajane paused. "That's a good question." She held up the container to read the text printed on the lid. "A full day, I think."

"Should we ask Porlyusica?"

There was another thoughtful pause before Mira smiled. "I think we shouldn't bother her with something this trivial."

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: November 6, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: November 8, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: November 8, 2017**

 **NOTE: Next chapter will contain Mira, Laxus, and the stuff that ends up in his beer.**


	5. Passion Fruit Cocktail - Part 1 (Laxus)

**NOTE: This chapter is Rated M for language and suggestive themes. Also, I'll be splitting this into two parts.**

* * *

Mira recognized the shape of the bottle alone. With wide eyes, she cupped it into both her hands to convince herself it was real. Meanwhile, the Tonic Peddler beamed proudly from behind the counter.

"This is...from Pergrande, isn 't it?" the S-class mage stammered.

"So you know. Yes, that is from Pergrande. And it is exactly what you think it is."

Mira felt her jaw go slack as she cradled the bottle. "A draught concocted from the juices of the rare Pergrande passion fruit."

The vendor chuckled. "It's quite...efficacious...to put it mildly. All you need is a single drop. Mix it in with the drink of your intended victim and he'll swoon all over you before the hour is up."

"Oh no, it's not for me."

The Peddler raised his brow. Then his smile transformed into a wide grin. "Ah, playing matchmaker, I see? Interesting." He could feel something radiating from his client and he caught the determination burning in her pupils. That and the drool that was already flowing down her gaping mouth.

Mira quickly snapped herself out of her reverie and asked, "How much?"

"Eighty thousand Jewel. And I'm being generous here."

"Deal."

* * *

Lisanna could easily tell her sister was up to something. No matter how much she tried to hide it, she could easily discern the spring in her step as she moved from corner to corner around the bar. Her signature smile never once fidgeted (not in the least detail) for the past several hours. Although this behavior was normal, being family, the youngest Strauss sibling could read through the layers.

"Mira, what are you planning now?"

Mirajane pressed her hand to her mouth as she let out a controlled chortle.

"Mira," Lisanna drawled sternly.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing as of yet. Just you wait." Mira promptly resumed her duties leaving Lisanna to sigh dolefully. Might as well prepare for the fallout from another matchmaking disaster that was about to happen. Sure enough, she saw her sister place an oddly shaped bottle on the shelf between the vodka and the tequila.

Lisanna shook her head and went to check up on Gray and Juvia.

* * *

Laxus nursed his beer. He did not want to be bothered at all today and just wanted what Cana would usually call some 'quality drinking time.' Even as the usual brawls raged behind him, he made sure to keep to himself with his ears occupied by his personal soundtrack and his hands wrapped around his mug.

That was when he remembered that it was empty. He got up, leaving the Thunder Legion to converse among themselves, and headed to the bar, determined to actually be _alone_ for once this week. He already had a distasteful start by dragging Cana's drunken ass all way back from Quatro Cerberus and then hauling Gray's crippled ass to the infirmary. What was he? A butler?

"Oi, Mira. I need a refill," he called as he slid the mug over to her.

"Coming right up," she cheerily replied.

That was when Elfman rocketed into the liquor rack, sending bottles flying off the shelves and scattering precious drink all over the floor. That, of course, screwed up his refill because Mira was now flat and unconscious under her brother.

"Son of a bitch," Laxus growled. He glanced over his shoulder to see the Thunder Legion occupied with getting Nab, Macao, and Wakaba off them as the brawl slowly engulfed them as well. Even without Natsu and Gajeel stirring trouble, the guild still had its lit fuses. Come to think of it, those two idiots were still trying to bathe off the stink. They were probably fighting at the lake. Again.

Laxus leaned over the countertop and saw all the varieties of alcohol (the bottles that were in-tact, of course) scattered across the floor. A thought came to him.

With barely anyone noticing, the lightning dragon slayer meandered behind the bar and began mixing together his own drink. Mira had been watering down his beer for ages and it was about damn time he got a good solid kick out of all the strong ones he could get his hands on—even the liquors that Gramps banned anyone from even drinking (if that was the case, then why the hell were they even here to begin with?).

So Laxus went through five bottles of hard liquors until he came across a strange-looking tonic clasped in Mira's hand. He carefully undid her fingers and shook it until it became somewhat frothy inside. Not that Mira would mind; she was still out cold from having been pummeled by a human body.

It smelled funny, though. But he needed a damn good cold one and it had that pungent alcoholic scent. He shrugged and poured in three spoons worth of the stuff into the mixer. With a quick shake, Laxus finally had his cocktail.

And it tasted...funny. Strong but funny.

"That's weird," he muttered. "I feel...tingly."

The warmness in his throat ravaged down his stomach, then to his waist. The combination of several stiff ones was a nice jab. That was when he felt it.

"Shit." Laxus looked down and cringed. "Damn it, not now."

It was one of those things that happened randomly even without stimulus. It happened to every guy. His pants were becoming uncomfortably tight now but that would soon go away. All he had to do was wait behind the bar, while everyone else was busy knocking the wind out of each other, until his erection fully died.

* * *

An hour later, though, and it was still there. Laxus had tried every measure he could think of it to kill it. He held his breath to deprive the blood flow. He tried thinking _un-_ stimulating thoughts like naked, toned, muscled men (he made sure to steer clear of specific people he knew). He tried visualizing gore, blood, death. He tried literally pushing it down with his palm. He slightly cut his finger to see if some slight pain would force his body to focus elsewhere.

Hell, he even tried shocking it with his own lightning magic hoping (desperately and in vain) to make his member flaccid again.

"Son of a goddamn mother-fucking tit on a wheel," he growled.

"So you're the bartender now?" Lisanna mused.

Laxus turned halfway before remembering the problem with his package. "Um..."

Lisanna eyed her siblings lying unresponsive against the liquor shelves and the on-going brawls before sighing and crossing over to him. "Oh, I see. Anyway, I was wondering if you could go and find Natsu for me..."

What was he, their butler? Seriously? Laxus opened his mouth until he caught Lisanna's eyes wandering down south. When her cheeks went red, he froze.

"Oh! I, um, I didn't think...you'd...um..."

Laxus would never admit it but he began to panic. This was worse than dealing with the First Master crying! "W-wait, no! This is...it's not...I can explain!"

Lisanna quickly turned away, her face half-covered by her hands. "I'm so sorry! I-I didn't know y-you were into..."

"No! No, it's n-not like that!"

"Y-you don't have to lie...to me."

Laxus grabbed her shoulders causing her to squeak. In fear. He quickly let go and unconsciously tried to not-inconspicuously push down his shirt over the zipper of his pants which by now was already making creases against the fabric. Mira was going to _kill him_. Even if she did manage to wake up at this moment, Lisanna would end up telling her later anyway.

"I'm going to go now," she yelped rapidly before dashing to the exit.

"No, wait! Lisanna!" Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Laxus was now thoroughly fucked.

"My, what a sudden shift of the atmosphere for you, Laxus," Freed remarked as he calmly slid up against the bar.

Great. He didn't need this now.

"Oh, I see," the enchanter mouthed upon seeing the two elder Strauss siblings. "Did the fighting get rough over here, as well?"

"Freed, now is not the time," Laxus said coolly. He felt his chest stop working when he saw Freed's cheeks go red. What the hell!

"It's not in my position to ask but..."—he slightly turned away with the shyness of an awkward teen much Laxus's pure discomfort—"would you care to be the bartender for the day? I could use a drink."

The lightning dragon slayer sighed. It could have been worse. "Fine. What'll you have?"

"Oh, just some juice. Orange juice, if there's still any that is untarnished by the scuffle."

"Yeah, yeah, sure." Laxus could clearly see there was no orange juice. "Um, I can't see any right here though." Then he remembered the back storage where all the liquor was stored. It was usually locked (because of Cana) but it was the perfect place to be alone. And to kill this problem in his pants. "You wait here. I'll go back to see if we have any."

That was when Freed snapped in his dashing flare, "Oh, I can't take it! I can't make you do this, sir! Allow me to find it myself. It's my drink, after all."

Laxus felt both relieved and frustrated. "Fine. Alright."

"Try not to busy yourself. Have a seat. I will take your place as bartender of the day. Until Mira recovers."

Not good. "No, stay there."

Freed paused. "Laxus?"

"Just...stay there. For now."

"Well, if you say so. I am thirsty though."

"Fine. Go get your drink but I'm staying here."

Freed opened his mouth then closed it again. He then shrugged and made for the break room. That was until the knob jiggled and he said, "Mira locked it."

Laxus stifled a curse as he bent down to search the still-unconscious barmaid for the keys. He made sure to angle his back towards his teammate while his hands not-so-carefully rummaged under Elfman to get to Mira. She should be keeping the keys on either her front or back pockets. But given how she was a knot brunched under an even bigger knot, he had to be careful not to—

"Shit," he whispered, instantly feeling warmer.

"Laxus? Do you need help?"

"No, no. I've got it." The lightning dragon slayer was now thoroughly panicking up and down despite being as still as a rock. Not only did his hand end up clasped over Mira's boob (entirely accidental!) but the tip of his spear was pressing against her hip. It served to excite him even more no matter how many times he internally raged against it.

"Perhaps, we should lift Elfman off her first," Freed said as he stood very closely behind him.

Laxus paled. What the fucking hell. "I got it," he seethed. He did _not_ want Freed to get involved. He let go of Mira's breast with the speed of a drunken gazelle and, drawing on his base strength, managed to heave Elfman up and then over against the bar.

"S-sir!"

"What?"

Freed's face told all. Even as he pointed downward with a trembling finger. "I mean no disrespect, Laxus, but...for shame!"

"It's not what it looks like, damn it!"

"Laxus, I know how you feel towards Mira—"

"I told you, that's not it!"

"—and I completely understand"—for a fleeting moment, Laxus caught the sadness bent on the edges of Freed's lips—"but you must respect her virtue."

Static flickered around the lightning dragon slayer. "Freed, you say one more goddamn word..."

Freed straightened and pressed a fist against his chest. "Regardless of your feelings, your secret is safe with me."

Laxus gave up. He would have to deal with the consequences later. Gramps would kill him. Well, if there was anything else left of him to ravage after Mira was done. With a dejected wave, he motioned to the storage room door to the side of the bar. The tightness of his pants was starting to eat away at him, anyway. "Just get me in there. I want to kill this now."

"Very well. I will respect your wish to masturbate in private."

" _That's not_ —! You know what, fuck it. Yeah. Whatever."

"It's still locked though."

Another quick rummaging—this time, his hands were careful—yielded the keys. Freed unlocked the door and held it open. Laxus slammed it shut and made sure to lock it with the keys in his pocket.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lucy cracked her whip while Levy readied her pen. A mighty dark aura radiated from their forms, shocking Gajeel and Natsu out of their twentieth fight of the day. The addition of Pantherlily in his true form twirling his sword coupled with Laki standing by her with torture devices ensured that both dragon slayers were to get the daily dosage of proper bathes with soap.

"Scrub. Now," Lucy ordered.

"But Luce! We've already taken a bath this morning. And twice the day before that. And three times the day before tha—"

The celestial mage cracked her whip against the water with such force that it unleashed a small tidal wave that nearly drowned him. "I said _scrub_."

"Aye, ma'am!"

Happy only shook his head as he stood guard over their clothes that were haphazardly piled three feet away. At least he got to bathe in the Fairy Hills bathhouse.

"I'm going to get rusty, Shrimp!" Gajeel whined.

Levy, her eyes now weighted by large bags, wrote up the word 'soap' and sent it crashing into the iron dragon slayer, engulfing him in suds as he sulked back into the water. "Did I tell you to speak!? Shut _the fuck_ up and bathe before I cut you in half!"

"Alright, alright! Geez, what the hell's gotten into you?"

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: November 8, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: November 10, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: November 10, 2017**

 **NOTE: I'm not so confident with how I portrayed Laxus given that he is very reserved and more controlled with his emotions. On the other hand, I'm very confident that the above experience does happen a lot.**

 **Anyway, feel free to leave a review and whatnot. Part two will get more...interesting. Or not. I don't know.**


	6. Passion Fruit Cocktail - Part 2 (Laxus)

**NOTE: This was a little difficult to write but I hope you guys find it an entertaining chapter. Also Rated M.**

* * *

Cana sauntered into the guild hall looking worse for wear. The latest brawl had just concluded, making it easier for her to meander to the bar to get herself a good cold one. Her Quatro Cerberus hangover still lingered no matter how many times she tried to drown it down with water (and more booze).

As she settled atop her stool, she noticed Elfman bent over the countertop while Mira was out cold on the floor, half-covered in unbroken bottles of unopened alcohol. She smirked.

"You should probably stay right there," Freed interrupted from his spot in front of the door to the wine cellar. Back straight and arms folded, he looked like an army sentry much to her amusement.

"Lighten up, would 'ya? I'm ain't planning on snagging a keg or two. Not yet, at least."

"Cana, you're clearly hungover. I suggest drinking water."

"I already had that torture this morning, damn it." By then, she had already rounded the bar and was picking up several unspoiled drinks. "I need my fix."

"How about you sit there while I fix you a drink," Freed offered as he snatched away the liquors.

"Oh? Well, then, I suppose I'll just help myself to the kegs out back." Before she knew it, she slammed into a magic wall. Runic blocks shimmered against all points of contact, completely shielding the door. "Damn it! What the hell!"

"Do not approach! Laxus is busy in there."

Cana raised a brow. "Oh? He's busy doing what?"

Freed now realized his mistake. "He's...cleaning the storage."

"Lame excuse. Master's having him move all the liquor somewhere, isn't he?"

"Um, well, not really. It's just that...Laxus needs to...well..."

She slapped him on his back. "Ha! I knew it! The lightning rod needs a fix too, eh? How 'bout you let me in and I'll make sure he doesn't ramp up the liquor bill."

Before Freed could say a word, a shrill shriek pierced the air. All eyes (at least, the ones who were still conscious) turned to a frantic and disheveled Mira tore through what was left of the bar. She was scary enough in demon form. What was on display was downright terrifying.

"Um, Mira," Cana croaked. "You looking for something?"

"Where is it!? Where is it!"

"Where is what?" Freed asked, his hairs standing on end.

"The...bottle. The damn bottle I bought from—" Mira stopped herself too late.

Cana cracked a wide grin. "Bought something from the our little friend up on the hill, huh. What'd you get?"

By then, the barmaid had her hands wrapped tightly around an oddly-shaped glass philter. It took awhile for both Cana and Freed to recognize the bottle's shape—such a figure was synonymous with particular drinks brewed outside Fiore.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised," the latter remarked.

"Looks like someone already had some," Cana added.

Mira let out another defeated howl. "No! This was supposed to be...supposed to be..."

"Pergrande passion fruit syrup or something like that. That's the stuff that makes wild sex even crazier, right?"

The redness of Mira's cheeks gave her an answer despite her silence. Freed was about to mutter something sarcastic when he heard the knob behind him turn and the door open. The three of them turned to see an unkempt Laxus, his wrinkled shirt damp with sweat while his face sported absolute exhaustion and frustration. He stepped forward only to be stopped by the magic barrier put in place.

The lightning dragon slayer looked down and saw the translucent runes meeting the edge of the bulge in his pants. He growled something indiscernible at Freed while Cana belched out raucous laughter and Mira fainted.

On the other hand, Natsu and Gajeel had arrived in the guild hall glimmering with squeaky cleanliness. It did not last as they quickly descended into an intense fist-fight while an exhausted Lucy and a very cranky Levy dragged themselves to occupy the table in the farthest corner of the hall.

* * *

Gray angled his head to the side of his pillow to see the newest addition to the infirmary. Though his body was still unresponsive to his commands, he managed to form a grin that taunted Laxus who occupied the bed on the farthest corner of the room surrounded by Mira, Cana, the Thunder Legion, and an irate Porlyusica.

"How much did you drink?" Fairy Tail's medical specialist demanded.

"About a quarter," Laxus said. "I was making a cocktail with five other drinks so it probably got diluted—"

"It doesn't matter. You're still getting the full effect."

"So, how long until Laxus Junior flattens out?" Cana slurred.

Porlyusica ignored her and headed for the exit. Before she left, she said, "A week. No more than that."

Laxus paled. He stared at the space where Porlyusica stood, completely incognizant of his teammates and a few others who flanked him from both sides of his bed. His eyes finally rolled down to the sheets covering his lower body. 'Laxus Junior' stood proudly like a cactus in a barren desert.

He took a deep breath and opened his mouth only to be interrupted by Mira who bawled, "I'm sorry, Laxus! I should've hid it well!"

" _That's_ your concern?" Evergreen yelped. Beside her, Bickslow stifled a chuckle while his semi-sentient dolls hooting around his head.

"We should be more considerate of Laxus!" Freed adjured. "At least he is better off than Gray."

"I'm right here, you know. I can still hear you," the paralyzed ice mage barked from across the room before he was force-fed ice shavings by Nurse Juvia.

"Mira," Laxus said coolly despite the static flickering around his arms, "you're going to get rid of that. Right? _Right_?"

Mira held up the bottle. "This? Oh, I'm going to keep it somewhere safe. I'll even have Freed put up three layers of protective enchantments." She smiled, unintimidated.

Laxus could never bring himself to hurt Mira. Instead, he fell back against the bed dejectedly, color completely drained from his face. He had six and a half days of hell left until his erection died.

"Do not fret, Laxus!" Freed declared. "We will be here to ensure that you will not be disturbed. We will do everything we can to speed up your recovery."

Bickslow pulled his friend down to sit. "Uh, buddy, you might want to clarify your train of thought there. What do you mean by 'speeding up'?"

"If we can stimulate a bodily reaction, say trigger a bombastic climax with Laxus's penis—"

Mira, Cana, and Evergreen flared up in bright molten rock red. " _Don't you even think about it_!"

"Seriously, dude. That'll make things really awkward, you know," Bickslow added while his dolls parroted behind him.

Freed only looked confused if not ridiculously clueless. "But does not a prolonged erection become painful after a long while? Especially when left unsatisfied? Think of the blood vessels throbbing for release or the pain in the muscles of his member!"

"It's baffling how someone with your intellect can have the same mindset as Natsu at times," Evergreen muttered. She looked at Laxus but ended up turning her head away because of the glaring problem towering for all to see. It was greatly uncomfortable and she correctly guessed that the other ladies were burning up as much as she was. This was so, so, _so_ wrong on so many levels.

Cana gulped, sighed, and opened up another bottle of rum. "Look on the bright side: Laxus won't have to worry about foreplay anymore. I bet he can shoot lightning out of his rod now."

"I wonder how much he can shoot out before he runs out," Bickslow added rather audibly while staring at the ceiling.

"Stop giving me mental images," Evergreen grumbled, hiding her face behind her hair.

"We could borrow Juvia's muscle relaxant," Freed announced.

"I don't think that would work," Mira countered with a disturbing smile. "Besides, Laxus wouldn't like it if someone else's hands were doing all the work with...well, 'Little Laxus.'"

"I'm right here, you know," Laxus growled under his breath.

"Welcome to my world," Gray snickered before being smothered by a glass of cold water Juvia harvested from her own breast.

* * *

Meanwhile, Erza Scarlet descended from the hill with her eyes gleaming. In her hands was a nondescript cardboard box housing a slice of 'unique' strawberry cake. What made it unique, according to the Tonic Peddler, was that it was made from a rare variety of strawberries grown exclusively in the regions to the far west of Pergrande. Erza knew exactly what he was referring to but she was dead wrong about what the real properties of these strawberries were.

Her craving for sugar made the sell easier. So when she finally returned to the guild, she immediately indulged herself in her purchase, completely ignoring the absence of a few select mages and the intense mauling between Natsu and Gajeel.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: November 11, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: January 22, 2018**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: November 14, 2017**

 **NOTE: And so Erza has made a purchase. Next chapter will involve her and Crime Sorciere.** **I'll try to make the it Rated T.**


	7. Honest Strawberry Cake - Part 1 (Erza)

**NOTE: Sorry it took awhile. Had to work on some very important college papers. That and migraines and body pain because of it.**

 **Also, big thanks to _SeleneArchelle_ for the idea for this chapter and helping me flesh out some of the details (She's a fellow FFN reader/writer). I already bought you two lunches so you owe me one.**

* * *

Erza could argue that she just enjoyed the finest strawberry cake ever conjured in existence. She likened it as a taste of heaven, a rare dessert served only to the pantheon of the most divine. It was cathartic, in a way. Cathartic such that she had completely ignored the brawl between Natsu and Gajeel that ultimately culminated in both mages landing against the bar and knocking the now empty plate she had eaten from.

"And to think such behavior is why we are reviled by our clientele," Erza growled as a sword materialized in her hand.

Both dragon slayers squeaked and tried to appease the now irate Titania.

"Natsu, Gajeel! Your scents may excite a fair maiden such as myself into a most pleasurable carnal experience but your behavior is abhorrent beyond compare!"

The gawks she received confused her enough to deflect her wrath. Natsu and Gajeel simply failed to form coherent sentences, much less words, as they stared at her. Erza raised her sword nonetheless. And as she hacked and slashed away at the two now mortified (and slightly confused) dragon slayers, the rest of the guild began to wonder what in the hell was in that strawberry cake because Titania's subsequent comments were...far too forward.

"Natsu! Get your nicely chiseled rear over here!"

Macao prickled his ear with his finger before turning to Wakaba and asking, "Is it me or did Erza just compliment Natsu's ass?"

* * *

It was later in the day when people really started to question what was going on with Erza. Her remarks too brutally honest as well as too damn loud. Not that they were entertaining to hear though.

"Natsu, word reached me that you defecated with great effort on the train to Hargeon a few days ago. To think you would have done better after that time when we were kids when you soiled your sleeping bag and begged me not to tell anyone."

"For shame, Gajeel. I understand how difficult it is to hold your stool during a crucial stage in a mission but to shower Levy and Lucy in it is unbefitting of you. Now how could Levy answer your desires for an intimate relationship after that whole affair?"

"It's about time Gray gave Juvia a proper chance. He has often been muttering her name in his sleep. That young man should give her a straight answer. I sometimes think his sexual frustration is already worsening his stripping habit."

"So Laxus drank an aphrodisiac? I was not aware that he was that desperate for sexual intercourse. Mira might finally be able to bed him given that she purchased it in the first place."

"I sometimes wonder what it's like to have Jellal wrap me in his arms again and take me all the way..."

That last statement made everyone freeze in place. Including Erza. Who finally lost all color as she finally realized that she had shared a most guarded thought her fellow guild mates. She slowly took in her surroundings, finally registering the reality outside her vocal musings. The faces of everyone around her—from Lucy and Levy to Macao and Wakaba to Max, Nab, Reedus, and even Master himself who had taken this very moment to have a short beer break from fretting over damage complaints in his office—were chiseled with expressions of absolute horror and shock. No one dared to say a word.

Erza, mortified beyond belief, finally laid eyes to the only family in the whole guild. A furiously blushing Bisca pressed her hands over Asuka's ears while Alzack desperately dragged them outside the hall.

"I...I...d-did I...h-have I...?"

That was when Natsu suddenly wailed, "Erza! You're mean! You promised to keep it a secret!"

"I did!" protested a panicking Erza. "I...I...just didn't realize I had said it! Natsu, I'm sorry!" She made to grab him to let him hit her but he slipped out of her grasp and ran, crying, to the back of the guild to hide his shame while Happy tried in vain to cheer him up.

"Erza...you're so cruel," Levy croaked from under her own shadow with a mix of antipathy and exhaustion.

"I want to be alone," Gajeel growled, crushing the iron bits he had been munching on into fine dust.

"I...didn't know you were so forward," Mira said nonchalantly, her signature smile gone from her face while she clutched the mug she was cleaning with rapt vigor. "I did _not_ buy that love po—a-a-alcoholic beverage for Laxus."

"B-but isn't it you were sometimes secretly telling me how much you really wanted to try it out with him?" Erza then slapped her hands across her mouth.

Mirajane wordlessly handed the mug to Kinana, passed the rag to Lisanna, and mechanically locked herself in the wine cellar. Muffled crying and demonic sneering could be heard from within.

"Oh no," Lucy muttered.

Erza snapped her head around the guild. Everyone was now keeping their distance, looking both cross and terrified. And she now knew why. Before her brain could command her mouth to speak, she blurted out through her hands, "I know too many secrets and I'm trying desperately not to share them!"

From the edge of the stage, Master sighed. "Great. Which one of you brats laced Erza's cake with a truth serum!?"

Erza immediately bowed. She opened her mouth but found her tongue having a mind of its own. "Do not fret, Master! I will do my best not to tell the guild about my secret mission with Crime Sorcière to monitor a rising dark guild."

Master raised his brow at her.

She clasped her hands against her mouth, her face now redder than her hair and her sweat evaporating off her skin. "T-that's supposed to b-be a secret!"

"Hey, Erza!" Happy called. "Did you take that job just to get closer to Jellal?"

"N-n-n-y-y-ye—" The S-class mage kicked the exceed into the wall. "Master! I...I should be going now!"

"Yes, you should," he replied sagely.

Erza shoved her knuckle into her mouth to hold back any more words as she bowed apologetically to her fellow guild mates while hastily making her exit.

* * *

The designated meeting place was on the edge of the highway just outside Magnolia. Crime Sorcière gathered under the gantry, patiently waiting. It was getting late and Midnight was yawning after a good day's rest. Cobra raised his head and said, "Heads up. She's here."

Sure enough, Titania appeared complete with her wagon of luggage. Given her personality, one would think that the various bags and suitcases of equipment would be tied down neatly over the cart but the tower of mishmash that greeted them would have prompted worry from a safety inspector. Strangely, the same could be said of Erza herself who looked as though she had lost significant hours of sleep.

"Erza," Jellal asked. "Are you alright?"

"No! I'm not," she snapped before slapping her hand over her mouth. "I-I mean...I-I'm..."

"Oh, shit," Cobra muttered, clutching his temples.

"Are you reading me right now!?" Erza growled.

"I can't help it..."

Jellal stepped in front of her. This sudden outburst must be because of something trivial. Probably because of another brawl at Fairy Tail. "Erza, we should start moving before it gets dark."

"I know, Jellal sweetie—" Erza squeaked and shoved her knuckle into her mouth.

"Sweetie?" The term of endearment echoed off the mouths of every single member of Crime Sorcière present. Meredy and Sorano were flustered. Midnight was now fully awake. Racer and Hoteye felt their jaws go slack. Cobra started doubling over in fits of laughter.

"Ignore that!" Titania reasoned desperately. "S-s-something's taken control of my mouth! I cannot apply proper restraint at all!"

"Erza, calm down," Jellal said, despite the fact that his cheeks were now warming up. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Jellal, honey—" There it was again. Another slip. Erza bit her tongue.

"And she is telling everything!" Cobra hooted with a grin. He panted while gripping his sides while leaning against the arms of both Meredy and Sorano who were by now sputtering among themselves. "Damn, Titania. All the things you wish you and Jellal could do in private."

"I don't want to know," Racer muttered.

"Rather intimate!" Hoteye declared.

"Well, shit," Midnight added while Meredy and Sorano sputtered fragments of words.

The aura around Erza darkened. Sure enough, it frightened most of Crime Sorcière into silence. Except for Cobra who just kept going. "Titania, could you do me a favor?"

"What?" she seethed through her teeth.

"Tell me that an orange is yellow."

Everyone now seemed to be more confused than baffled. But Erza straightened herself. "An orange i-is y-y-y-ye-o- _orange_!"

"Hah! I knew it! You can't lie, Titania!"

"No! No, that's n-n-no—it's true!"

Cobra smirked while Meredy beamed. The gleam in her eyes disturbingly resembled Mira's whenever the barmaid was hell bent on getting something done. The young pink-haired lady cooed, "So, Erza. Do you have any feelings for Jellal?"

Erza started shaking. Her legs wobbled and her arms quivered.

"Well, Titania?" the poison dragon-slayer teased. "I can hear your soul singing...' _Jellal, Jellaaal, Jellaaaaaaal'_...Jellal's loving embra—"

Predictably, Cobra dodged the powerful fist that sent Hoteye flying halfway across Magnolia.

"I r-r-r-refuse to answer!"

Jellal was now at a loss for comprehension. That and he was redder than her hair. He gulped and gripped the sides of her arms. "E-Erza...calm down, please. I... W-we have to focus."

"Oh, _Jellaaaal_ ," Meredy sang. There was a glint in her eye that screamed absolute mischief. "You want us to drop by your _fiancé's_ place later? Introduce her to Erza?"

Erza yelled before he could respond. "I know you lied to me that time, Jellal! You're a horrible liar."

"Looks like you got your work cut out for you," Racer remarked.

"To think she's the sanest member of Fairy Tail we could bring on for this job," Sorano finally chirped. She giggled before falling behind Meredy who was already holding up a lacrima recorder. "You can let go of her now, Jellal. She's not a doll, you know."

"We should go. Now," Jellal finally ordered, stepping back and pulling up his hood. It took awhile for everyone to get moving up the highway with Midnight dragging a bleeding Hoteye alongside a sniggering Cobra and smirking Racer while Meredy and Sorano tried to console (matchmake) an emotionally distressed Erza.

* * *

The glen was a frequent camping ground for Crime Sorcière which made it easier for the group to settle down for the night. Tents were pitched in the same spots. For utilitarian purposes, at least two had to bunk together. As usual, Midnight kept watch for the whole group. And much to Jellal's absolute discomfort and annoyance, it had been decided completely without his input (and Erza's) that he would have share his beddings with Titania.

Because Cobra said so. And surprisingly, everyone agreed. Including Midnight.

"I-I'm sorry," Jellal mumbled, sitting cross-legged on the ground, twiddling his thumbs. "I should discipline them for this."

"T-there's no n-need, Jellal," Erza stammered from her corner.

It was an entirely awkward set-up. Both mages had been forced into a situation where the only apparent solution was bunking together. So it was no surprise that Erza huddled into her corner while Jellal did the same. That and they somehow managed a three-foot gap between them in a six-square-foot space.

"Have you...um, changed?" he asked.

"Yes. Y-you?"

Jellal looked at his hands. Then his gloved hands. Then his leather boots. He gulped—he hadn't changed since this morning but he would rather sleep in his traveling garments right now. His cloak would be his blanket while his knapsack would be his pillow. His sleeping bag would be his mattress. "I should...go to bed...now."

"Yes. Of course. I-I s-should, too."

They turned to face each other at the same time. Erza was dressed in some nightgown that reminded him of that one intimate incident at a particular beach not too long ago. She looked so modest and uncertain. It was that rare unseen side to her that struck a strong cord of nostalgia into him. So he was nearly thrown for a loop when she suddenly hurled her arm, tossing a flurry of daggers at the side of the tent, ripping through the fabric and nearly shaving strips of hair off Cobra's, Hoteye's, and Racer's scalps.

The whole side of the tent draped onto the ground with the three eavesdroppers smirking with what Cana would have called shit-eating grins.

"I thought we were being quiet," Racer said.

"It's Titania. She could hear your heartbeat," Cobra corrected.

"You are both so adorable," Hoteye declared rather passionately.

"Have you no shame!?" Erza hollered, her nightgown quickly replaced by her signature cuirass while a sword materialized in her hand. "How dare you disrupt an intimate moment with my beloved Jel— _eep_!"

Whatever atmosphere of intimidation completely dissipated as Erza cupped her mouth and Cobra started rolling on the ground laughing again. "My, my Titania!" he wheezed between intervals. "Tell me, do you think our boss is _that_ handsome?"

"Yes!" Titania stiffened and growled. "N-n-n-don't test me!"

The poison dragon-slayer leered at her. "It's not my fault your voice is so strong. Even I can't really tune it out."

"Jellal and I are c-close!"

"That's a truth," Racer remarked.

"She can't lie," Hoteye added.

Cobra straightened himself, ignoring Titania's glare. "I'm guessing Jellal would be your first. If it makes you feel better, I'd say you'd be his first, too."

Racer and Hoteye wisely stepped aside while Erza beat Cobra (who was too busy amusing himself with the voice of her soul to even dodge her blows) to a bloody pulp. They looked to Jellal who had retreated under his hood and cloak. They smiled, correctly guessing that their master was drowning in a sea of repressed hormones.

Meanwhile, behind a bush not far off, Meredy lowered the lacrima recorder with a pout. Sorano sighed. Midnight shook his head and leaned against the tree. He could never understand what it was with these girls (or any girl in general) to be so interested in the personal lives of others. Not that he himself shared any interest. He had far better things to do.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: November 12, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: November 23, 2017**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: November 23, 2017**

 **NOTE: Let me know if some of Crime Sorcière's members are out of character. I'm not very familiar with the Oracion Seis folks so do let me know if I got some of them wrong and stuff like that. Especially Cobra. Don't know if he could be that expressive.**

 **Still, I hope you like it. Took me a damn long while to finalise this chapter because of college papers.**

 **Oh, and thanks to _CabbageGirl99_ for highlighting that grammatical flub. My brain's still recovering from cramming my dissertation so grammar mistakes are to be expected despite proofreading.**


	8. Honest Strawberry Cake - Part 2 (Erza)

**NOTE: I'll be honest. This chapter was damn hard to write. Still, I hope you guys like it.**

* * *

The mission could have been a lot easier had it not been for the fact that the ranks of the dark guild were bolstered by vengeful hold-outs from the Alvarez Empire and disgruntled far eastern Ishgari warlocks. While some of them were predictable in combat, Erza's 'tics' (constantly screaming unnecessary truths in the middle of battle) made focusing rather difficult.

"Don't you dare harm my beloved!"

Jellal choked on his spit, disrupting the stream of magic he was channelling and subsequently allowing an opening for the master warlock to blindside him.

Erza, of course, lunged into action, cleaving through several grunts until she was ensnared in a powerful runic enchantment. The rest of Crime Sorcière were hotly engaged in their own individual battles to offer help, leaving her to deal with the dark wizard laughing maniacally at her.

"The mighty Titania, caged and at my mercy!"

"You gutless fool! Let go of my dear Jellal!" she hollered, smashing her blades and her fists uselessly against the magic barrier.

"Oh, so it is true. You do have a weakness," the warlock snickered. He waved his hand and Jellal was lifted off the ground by a powerful magic force, unable to move and suffocating from the constrictive grasp he was held in. "Beg and whine, Titania. You have no power over me."

"I will not bend!" Erza screamed furiously. "You spineless, flat-nosed, anorexic pile of shit!"

The noise died down as every pair of eyes gravitated towards the fuming Fairy Tail mage trapped in the runic cell. All tension suddenly died as even the warlock gawked at her. "What did you call me?"

"You heard me! You hateful, loveless, whiny excuse for a mage! Do you honestly think you're pathetic attempt at wresting power would even make a dent in world politics? Look around you! Not even the Magic Council gives a slight damn about your cause!"

"The world will know our power!" the warlock screamed, his ears a fiery red. Meanwhile, Jellal fought desperately for breath as the magic grip on his body tightened. In his darkening vision, he could see Crime Sorcière and the dark guild frozen in their places, exchanging bewildered glances.

Erza planted her arms on her hips and sneered. "Oh, come on! Fight me like a true man or have your genitals shrunk underneath your puny legs? Is that why you constantly wear that stupid, tacky, and frankly hideously ugly robe? To cover up whatever earthworm of a penis you have? Perhaps you lack one! Maybe you're too gutless because your wrinkly manhood is far worse than some cheap dryer hose!"

"W-what?" the warlock stammered.

"Are you deaf, too? You and your pointy ears and you can't even hear me? My beloved Jellal may be in your grasp but his mighty ears and handsome features are far more superior to your vain attempts at looking barely noticeable by any woman, let alone the hideous and desperate ones!"

Jellal was half-way free of the binding spell but still somehow choked on his own spit. Meanwhile, Crime Sorcière and the surviving dark guild members simply stared, completely confused. Except for Cobra who was grinning from ear to ear.

"Y-you're mean," the master of the dark guild whimpered.

"I'm mean!? What a pathetic comeback from some high-and-mighty wizard who thinks his scrawny excuse for a physique could win over steel in battle!" Erza barked. She did not realize it but the runes were beginning to fade.

"Um, Erza," Meredy called only to be ignored as another round of insults flew out of Titania's mouth.

"Erza," Sorano cooed. "Erza, yoo-hoo!"

The tirade continued well until after Crime Sorcière subdued the remnants of the dark guild. They stood around for the next half-hour watching the master warlock drop to the ground and huddle his knees, rocking back and forth and crying while Titania towered over him with her arms on her hips screaming absolute abuse.

Meredy nudged Jellal. "Should we stop her?"

"Nah," Cobra countered with a smirk. "Let's wait until she tires herself out. Makes it easier on the return trip."

Sorano threw him a disapproving glare as she jotted down on her notes while Racer loomed over her shoulder.

"You're writing down everything she's saying?" he asked.

"I didn't think Erza could be so creative with her vocabulary. I'm just recording the ones that I might find useful in the future."

"Didn't think you were one with a potty mouth."

Jellal cleared his throat. It was time to end this for the sake of the warlock. And Erza's sanity. She was still rather angry over his near-death-by-magic-strangulation but the punishment she was handing his assailant was becoming a bit much now. That and he was inwardly aghast at her immense depth of dirty lexicons.

"Erza. Erza, listen to me. You need to calm down. They've surrendered—"

Erza did not seem to notice him approach as she expounded on a new tangent. "...and don't you dare harm a single hair on the lovely head of my dear Jellal! You have no idea how difficult it is to catch so much as a whiff of the shampoo he uses! And the scent from the soap he rubs on his body! Do you know how hard it is to not fawn over someone when you're busy stalking him in the river!?"

The warlock let his jaw hang agape, confused and terrified, while Jellal froze in his tracks. The brief pause was broken by Cobra's cackling in the far back.

"Your emaciated frame is nothing but a toothpick compared to the finely chiseled masterpiece that is his body! And have you even considered his school of magic? Heavenly bodies! He could've stricken you down with the wrath of heaven had he not been exhausted by your minions, you undignified wimp!"

"Holy shit," Cobra wheezed, squeezing his sides as he doubled over in front of the bound and even more confused dark wizards.

"What are you hearing now?" Racer vexedly queried.

"Titania can be so descriptive," the poison dragon-slayer could say before bursting into fits of subdued laughter. "Shit, especially the 'tender nether regions.' Holy shit, she knows how to dish out pain there..."

* * *

The journey back to Magnolia was one filled with constant hoots and taunts by Cobra and the subsequent beatings he endured at the hands of a constantly flustered Erza. It did not help his case that he kept talking after using up all the medical supplies meant for the whole group.

"You know, Titania," he began again. "I never really thought it was possible for you to ram this"—he gestured to an area that made Meredy and Sorano turn away in shades of red—"into that"—then pointed an area that made Jellal furiously swat away his hand.

"When. Will. You. Shut. Up," Erza seethed, her whole body shaking more intensely than an aftershock.

"Until he gets his bones ripped out of his flesh," Racer remarked.

"Erik, please!" Hoteye pleaded. "We're running low on gauze and potions."

"Speaking of potions, I bet Titania downed some sort of truth serum that she can't keep all her dirty secrets to herself," the poison dragon-slayer sniggered. "I mean, really? You're jealous because Lucy Heartfilia's knickers are kinkier than yours?"

When Erza stopped, the whole group braced for impact. Jellal gripped her shoulders but found that she had stiffened completely. She made no move or did not even attempt to look Cobra in the eye. Instead, her eyes were filled with a sort of dawning realization. Something signficant had crossed her mind—an epiphany flashed across her pupils.

"So that explains," she mumbled.

"Explains what?" Meredy asked.

"Cobra's right. I must have ingested a stimulant that suspends my mental filters and forces me to admit all my suppressed emotions and reservations." Erza snapped into a defiant pose with her finger raised victoriously in the air. "I knew it! Jellal will no longer need to know about my undying— _hyaap_!"

"I think you've already made Jellal wet himself," Sorano corrected with a wry smile as she kept her palm clamped over the Fairy Tail mage's mouth.

Jellal chose to ignore much of it. Though he later made sure to relieve himself as soon as they stopped for a break. Any more unnecessary confessions from Erza and he would be severely hemorrhaging out his nose before he knew it.

* * *

Bazaar Week was on its penultimate day when they returned. The group followed the main highway, eventually coming across the dirt path that diverged to the top of the hill upon which was perched the Tonic Peddler's yurt.

"Since we're down on potions, I think we should restock while we still can," Meredy suggested, wagging her thumb at the tent and then at a lumpy, heavily-bandaged, and still bleeding Cobra.

"We can hack it," the poison dragon-slayer argued underneath several layers of partially flayed and crimson-stained gauze.

"If you wouldn't keep your damn mouth shut, I swear to God," Sorano growled.

"Speak another word," dared Erza.

Cobra seemed to gleefully welcome the redhead's threat. A wide grin stretched all the way to his earlobes as he suddenly said, "You know what? Fine. Let's get some potions."

Most of the group were too tired to protest and Jellal folded out of practical reasons. It was better than traversing into town during the height of festivities and possibly causing a scene because of a petty mugging. That and it was easier to operate without any public attention. He let Meredy handle the transactions as he waited outside the tent with Erza and Midnight.

"S-so," the redhead began anxiously. "T-that was a-an i-interesting mission... D-don't you think?"

Jellal nodded. Awkwardly. "Yes. It was...successful."

"I propose we w-work together more often...in the future," Erza said meekly. The noise of inside the tent—which consisted mostly of Meredy and Sorano screeching like mad—did not seem to bother her.

"That could be arranged. If circumstance allows," he replied. "Our duties keep us occupied in many places, however."

Erza nodded. "I see."

"Awww, don't be sad, Titania," Cobra hooted from the tent flap. Amid spoonfuls of a freshly purchased cake, he continued, "It's not like you're the only person in this group who has a thing for Jellal."

"What are you saying?" Jellal interrogated.

The poison dragon-slayer sniggered as he continued to munch down the cake which was topped with strawberries. "I like this Tonic Peddler guy. He and I think alike."

Erza noticed the strawberries. And then leaped at him. This time, however, Cobra actually bothered to dodge her and he sprinted down the hill laughing, somehow managing not to drop the cake in his sprint. Consequently, the rest of Crime Sorcière tried to restrain a frantic Erza.

"That's the cake!" the redhead screamed, wrestling free and barreling down the highway to Magnolia proper. "That's the accursed cake that controls my tongue!"

The statement took a full minute to sink in. Then the whole of Crime Sorcière made a berserk attempt to corner Cobra before he could 'inadvertently' spill all their dirty secrets.

* * *

Erza returned to the guild just as Mira was closing down.

"You're back! How was your date?" the bartender cooed.

The redhead sighed tiredly. "We have a problem."

Mira's eyes went wide. "You're pregnant?"

"N-no! It's not that! Stop it! Look, we have a serious problem." Erza gestured to the doorway where Crime Sorcière dragged in a chained-up Cobra, his hands locked in the Rune Knight's nullifying cuffs and a gag tied over his mouth with the look of ferocity and absolute malice chiseled on his face.

"What's going on?" Mira asked.

"We need to use the cellar. Cobra has become a threat."

Faint purple glows began to emanate from Mira's form. "Did he betray you?" the bartender asked with a low demonic growl underlining her every word.

"No. No. Not that."

Mira quickly reverted back to her docile and slightly confused self. "Oh, okay. So what's the problem with him then?"

"He ate Erza's truth cake," Meredy answered. "We need to borrow one of your rooms. We _have_ to find a way to flush it out of him."

"We tried beating it out of him," Midnight added.

"We had to gag him because he wouldn't shut up," Sorano concluded while dark bags ringed her eyes. She yanked on the chain, dragging Cobra to the bar.

Mira looked even more confused. Here stood a group of powerful yet exhausted mages with one of their own wrapped in steel and salivating through his gag. While he appeared animalistic, Cobra radiated absolute mischief and Mira could read it in his eyes. Come to think of it, Erza had been spilling so many secrets lately. And did someone mention something about truth?

The take-over mage was good at hiding her emotions better than anyone. And she very deceptively convinced Erza and Crime Sorcière to leave the interrogation to her ("I'll whip up something to clean him out; it almost always works on everyone else"). She told them to get some rest and saw them out the guild before locking herself in the cellar. She only took the gag out.

"You sly demon," Cobra greeted, his hands and legs chained tightly to his chair.

"So tell me. Did Erza and Jellal fuck?"

A chortle. "I wish they did. You'd be surprised but the boss is as much of a virgin as Titania."

Mira pulled up another chair and sat in front of him. "That's actually surprising."

Cobra snickered. "I know what you're going to ask. The boss is the only guy in our group who can't even bring himself to jack off." He let out a dismissive hoot. "He just likes to stare at Titania."

"And the girls?"

He cocked his head to the side in partial disgust. "Oh God, don't get me started on them. It's fucking weird."

Mira raised an inquisitive brow.

Knowing the next set of questions, Cobra sighed. "Meredy's been seeing some people behind the boss's back. She has a thing for this one guy and—"

The S-class mage saw her captive shudder. Cobra _shuddered_. "And?"

"She hit puberty years ago but I swear to God, she doesn't even know how to put her fingers in the right place. I mean, did Ultear even give her _the talk_? Fuck, it's fucking weird thinking about that shit! Gah! And don't get me started on Sorano. All the kinky shit she's into..."

Mira nodded somberly. "I have a few cocktails ready to get rid of that truth serum. But before that, there are a few more things I need to know..."

Cobra would rather keep to himself the fact that he was quite intimidated by the demonic glint in Mira's eye. He had mixed emotions about divulging everything (including his own little private affairs). Regardless, he ended up getting strong-armed into spilling the beans before being force-fed a bitter-tasting concoction that made him vomit. On the bright side, come morning, he could lie again.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: November 26, 2017**

 **LAST EDITED: January 20, 2018**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: January 18, 2018**

 **NOTE:** **This could have been better, in my opinion. I'm drying up, no lie. XD Let me know what you guys think.**

 **Again, thanks to _SeleneArchelle_ for suggesting Cobra eating the truth cake. Next chapter might involve the Master, Sabertooth, or maybe even the Magic Council. I don't know, really. I'll think of something but if you guys can suggest an idea, I might go for it. :D**


	9. Secret Syrup - Part 1 (Wendy)

**NOTE: This is sort of an opening for the next chapter. Wendy is not spared. :D**

 **Inspired by a Vice documentary about Nepalese honey. Look it up; it's pretty interesting.**

* * *

Despite being a permanent cripple, Makarov still administered to his duties as guild master which mostly consisted of drinking, fretting over damage complaints, and drinking because of the damage complaints. That often meant that either Mira or Porlyusica had to wheel him down to the edge of the stage in the hall every now and then.

It had been a peculiar week, so far. First, he had to deal with the fallout from two of his brats shitting all over a train. Then he had to get Goldmine to sweep Cana and Bacchus's night of debauchery under the rug. And just recently, he had to manage emotional damage control in the guild thanks to a painfully honest Erza.

"Same shit, different day," he muttered to himself. It was nothing new.

"Master, don't forget your medical supplements," Mira reminded him as she passed by with a full tray.

Makarov nodded nonchalantly and waved her away, busying himself with thoughts of retiring for good. Being a guild master was stressful, especially without the use of his legs. Speaking of stress, the painkillers Porlyusica usually brewed for him worked wonders. She would usually have Mira mix it with his drinks because the damn supplements tasted too sweet and had a strong aftertaste. At least the alcohol would make them go down easier.

Come to think of it, what exactly was that old hag grinding under mortar? He shrugged. He could guess that the Magic Council would be all over him if they knew.

* * *

Wendy and Charle stared at the empty shelves lining the interior of the apothecary they were supposed to visit. It was a small errand for Porlyusica; she had run out of some reagents and had given her the name and location of her trusted supplier. But, unfortunately, Bazaar Week bled him dry and the old man simply redirected the pair to the vendor on the hill outside of town.

Charle blinked in disbelief. "Pardon?"

The supplier hung his head with a sigh. "I know, I know. Porlyusica is going to have my hide for this but where else can you get these poppies?"

"Perhaps there are other alternatives? Anyone else you can suggest?"

He shook his head. "Demand has been pretty high lately. I doubt the others in town would still have some left in stock. There are just too many customers this season. My next shipment is due in five days if you're willing to wait. But knowing Porlyusica..."

Wendy bowed. "It's okay. Thank you, sir."

"Be careful, you two."

"I don't trust that Peddler," Charle later groused as they passed through the crowded street.

"He can't be that bad, right?"

The exceed would have gone on to explain to her charge about the string of purchases that led to the many awkward scenarios in Fairy Tail but decided against it. "It's best if we simply collect the reagents. I will be negotiating with him."

"Why can't I?"

Charle sighed. "With him, it's best if I make the purchase."

Wendy nodded somberly. "Okay."

* * *

The sky dragon-slayer did not know what to think when she entered the yurt. Everything from the pungent scent to the many living eyes that seemed to follow her every step from within their glass jars made Wendy feel as though she was stepping through a portal into a macabre world that most likely had a beating heart for a core.

"Hello, hello!" the Tonic Peddler greeted. He eyed the young girl, her arms glued to her chest as she held onto a pouch and a piece of paper. "My, my. Don't be shy, little one. The watchers are harmless."

"Watchers, eh? Lovely name," Charle snarked while clamoring to the counter.

"You must be her guardian. I see." The vendor appeared unfazed by the white exceed's glare. "What can I get you?"

Wendy only let out a hesitant 'ah' before Charle nudged her on the arm. The former nodded and handed the latter Porlyusica's list. The Tonic Peddler rubbed at his stubble, pondering on the ingredients, before telling them to wait while he disappeared behind the shelves.

"This is place is a little scary," Wendy whispered.

"It's alright. I doubt they could swim out of their containers," Charle assured her.

Behind her, on the counter, the massive eyeball somehow managed to press itself the glass while the optic nerve manically waddled in the preservative solution it was submerged in. Wendy squeaked, prompting the exceed to drape a rag over it.

The Tonic Peddler emerged shortly thereafter with a row of poppies that made Charle's eyes go wide with alarm. "Thirty thousand Jewel. They're quite rare."

"And quite illegal."

"Illegal?" The vender dramatically feigned insult only to laugh haughtily at his own display. "I can assure you that you need not worry about legalities. My products are of unquestionable quality. And these are the plants you are looking for, am I right?"

"They look like it," Wendy said meekly, her beady eyes curiously studying the plants.

He grinned. "While not exactly what you're looking for, they are the closest. They are in the same botanical family and are as potent. And I'm confident you came to me because not a single one of my contemporaries have any in stock."

Charle begrudgingly nodded. "Yes."

The rest of the transaction was quick. But Wendy could not find out why Charle was so worried about these flowers. She wanted to smell them but her guardian strictly insisted they be kept in their tin box, wrapped up in paper.

"I can't believe he sold us an opiate," the exceed growled under breath.

"Charle, what's an 'opiate'?"

The exceed nearly tripped. "Oh, look over there! That cloud looks like a zebra."

"Charle!"

* * *

Porlyusica was visibly upset with what they came back with. Wendy was worried that she might be on the receiving end of her mentor's notorious tirades but she instead received a pat on the head with a compliment. Strangely, she was told to wait in the main room while the older lady retreated into her private apothecary to brew Master Makarov's medicine syrup.

As far as she knew, the sludgy liquid helped ease the pain from his legs. She felt a little sad that she was not somehow old enough to know how to make them herself, let alone know the exact ingredients. She was additionally annoyed that Charle refused to tell her what opiates were.

Ten minutes later, Porlyusica emerged with a bottle filled with the dark brown syrup.

"Do _not_ under any circumstances let anyone else so much as touch this," the medical specialist warned.

Wendy had heard that a thousand times but could understand the extra caution in her voice. Her mentor had grounded a plant that was not technically the exact ingredient but close enough to mimic its properties. All she had to do was give this to Mira and she would serve this to Master Makarov with his usual drinks.

She was still curious what was in it, though. Besides, it looked so sugary and probably tasted really sweet. Maybe she could ask Mira to let her sample a droplet. How bad could it be?

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: January 22, 2018**

 **LAST EDITED: January 23, 2018**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: January 22, 2018**

 **NOTE: Obviously, the next chapter is where things go south. I just don't know _how_ it's going to go south, though. :D**

 **I hope you guys are enjoying this story so far. Again, if you guys have any ideas about other "miracle-working" tonics, let me know.**


	10. Secret Syrup - Part 2 (Wendy)

**NOTE: Wendy's been through worse, right? Right?**

* * *

Wendy watched Mira place the tonic on the stage beside Makarov, specially-brewed with Porlyusica's syrup and diluted with two extra spoonfuls of honey. Master only nodded, completely ignoring his medicine. Meanwhile, Happy kept cajoling Charle to go fishing with him by the lake. Only when Pantherlily passed by with a fishing rod did the white exceed relent.

"I'll be fine," assured the sky dragon-slayer to her guardian.

Charle harrumphed before plodding off.

When she was sure they were far enough away, Wendy dropped off her stool and meandered to the stage where the tonic still remained unmoved.

"Master? Is everything okay?"

"Hmm? Oh, I'm fine. Nothing to be worried about."

"Are you feeling any pain in your thighs?"

Makarov shook his head and offered her a warm smile. "I'm fine, Wendy. I'm in no physical pain today so you need not drain yourself."

Wendy nodded somberly. She lingered a bit longer, not knowing what else to say. If she had been more straightforward, she would have told him that she wanted to know what exactly the sludgy substance did. Besides, it looked sugary and sweet. She did not notice the guild master's one eye creak open towards her until he made an audible sigh.

"Curious about Porlyusica's little draught here, eh?"

The sky dragon-slayer bowed apologetically. "I'm sorry, Master! I-I..."

Makarov laughed. "There's nothing wrong with being curious. I'm in no mood to drink that old hag's fire-brew. I haven't even eaten yet, hah!"

A nervous smile crept onto Wendy's lips.

"I'm sure Mira watered this down," the guild master continued, finally cupping the tankard. He made a quick sip and frowned. "I can't even taste the alcohol. Bah. Medicine is still medicine. Not like this is going to get a mouse drunk."

"Ah, I'll pass." Of course. Wendy forgot that it was alcohol. Her previous experiences with it were...remarkably unforgettable to say the least.

"It's not that bad, though." Makarov continued sipping at his drink until he began chuckling. He shook his head at something indiscernible he muttered before letting another soft chortle. "Damn Magic Council...he-he..."

"Master?"

The guild master had this odd grin on his face. He offered her the mug. "You're old enough. Here."

Wendy stiffened. Now she did _not_ want to sample it as much as she previously wanted to. How quickly intentions change.

"Come on. Don't be shy, he-he." Master was being weird. "It's like...a piece of heaven, you know?"

She slowly took the tankard while Makarov continued to sprout nonsensical questions under his breath. He was still coherent but he looked like something was tickling his toes. Wendy let the drink slosh around a bit, glancing back at him, before taking a big sip.

The first thing that hit her was the sweetness. The bitter aftertaste of alcohol was absent, overcome by the strong taste of honey mixed in with maple syrup without the maple. Wendy screwed her eyes shut while shaking her head. It wasn't sour but it was too sweet.

"See. It's not that bad."

She was feeling...funny. A bit lightheaded. But that went away and all she could feel afterward was...being as light as a feather. For some reason, all the mundane ruckus going around seemed so jovial. Everything was silly. Without knowing it, she had handed the mug back to Makarov who chugged most of it down, leaving just enough for Wendy to finish off. By then, she was way too giddy to notice.

* * *

It was the laughing that got everyone's attention. Makarov and Wendy were being ridiculous by the stage, giggling at the littlest things and being loud about it. That and the way they behaved.

"That... That doesn't look right," Warren remarked.

"You've got to be kidding me," Macao groused. "Don't tell me Mira let Wendy drink."

Romeo stared at his father, surprised that he was actually _concerned_ for once in a long while.

In contrast, Cana raised her glass. "It was bound to happen. I was younger when I had my first."

"I'm not going to even question the context behind that," Wakaba muttered.

"Master?" Max asked, nudging the guild master in the shoulder as he continued to belch out laughter. "You want to, you know, let us in on the joke there?"

"What joke?" Makarov barked. Then his frown quickly reverted back to a grin. "Ha-ha! Gotcha, boy! Nyaha-haha!"

Wendy's high-pitched laughter is what made it really weird. It was an odd kind of laugh. Kind of like a stupid laugh. A drunken-Levy type of laugh to some. The little teen was the most timid; this was completely unlike her. " _Maaaax~..._ Have you ever thought about using sand to build sand castles?" she asked slowly, her arms swaying by her sides.

"Wendy? Are you alright?" Lucy asked, bending over to her level. She reeled back at seeing how red her eyes were. "Wendy!"

An intoxicated giggle. "You're funny, Lucy~" A wide stupid grin stretched from ear to ear as the sky dragon-slayer wobbled and pointed at the blonde. "Y'know, I was wondering... If storks deliver the babies, where do they get the babies from?"

"Uh-oh."

"Lucy~" Wendy began running her hands against the loose locks of Lucy's hair. And burst into laughter that would rival a drunk Levy. "Have you ever thought of changing your hair to pink? Like if Gray changed his hair to pink and Erza changed her hair to pink, then you'll all have the same color of hair as Natsu! Team Natsu!"

Lucy could not describe the absolute alarming horror that blared in her head. "Wendy, what have you been eating?" she demanded.

"My medicine, ha-ha!" Makarov jeered, raising the empty tankard and calling for a refill from the bar. "Mira! Give me one more mug then my wings'll come out! Fly, fly, fly~ _awaaaaay_ from here!"

"Master!" Mira scolded while she rummaged through the bar, trying to see if there was something she might have accidentally slipped into the mixer she used. "This is bad, this is very bad."

"Mira, what's going on?" Lisanna asked as she stooped down to help her sister clear the shelves of something she had yet to know about.

"I don't understand," the barmaid whined. "I did everything to the letter! Just like Porlyusica said. Extra honey, a pint of beer, lots of water, and only a droplet of the syrup..."

"Mira?"

Kinana and Lisanna watched as Mira stood against the bar, her hands planted firmly on the countertop. She stared in the distance until she burst out of her epiphany by cupping her cheeks. "It's the syrup!"

"What syrup?" everyone chorused.

Well, the cat's out of the bag now. Porlyusica would surely give her a stern talking to when she would find out she slipped. But that was insignificant now. Apparently, Master's recent dosage seemed to be so extremely potent that he was losing his mind. And somehow Wendy had a chunk of it too. "Quick! Dilute them with water! Juvia!"

"What does water have to—" Max was cut off when Wendy suddenly embraced his right leg. "Gah!"

"Mmmm~ Max, if you can turn into sand and Juvia can turn into water, we can turn the guild into a beach, y'know."

"Nah, those brats might end up fucking what with sand mixing with water and that physics shit," Makarov belched with a dismissive wave and a cheeky toothy grin. "He-he-he, but that's when you're old enough, Wendy, ha-ha!"

It was at that moment that Kinana dashed to the stage and wheeled Makarov away before Wendy would start mimicking his vocabulary.

* * *

Laxus hated this week. Despite the pain in his groin irregularly spiking and subsiding, the tower down south was still standing. Not to mention, he had to sit through Juvia's daily fawning over Gray while she nursed the ice wizard back to normalcy. At least he wasn't paralyzed and being force-fed by the Thunder Legion. (He owed Mira for that one. She had recommended they go out on a job to keep them from worrying while he recovered.) And to think it wouldn't get worse, Gramps gets wheeled in hooting like a junkie tripping on six stone of opium.

"What the hell happened to him?" Laxus demanded.

"His medicine was too strong," Kinana replied.

"Medicine! Give me more of that shit!" Makarov howled before bursting into raucous laughter.

"What the hell?" Gray muttered.

"Is Master feeling well?" Juvia asked.

Kinana had barely pushed their guild master passed the rungs at the end of Laxus's gurney when he barked, "Laxus! Is it still up?"

The lightning dragon-slayer furiously planted his pillow on top of his lap. "Did you have to be so damn loud?" he seethed through clenched teeth.

The stupid grin that followed was more disturbing. "Jack it off some more. It'll go down, y'know. Remember when I first caught you doing your business?"

"Goddamn it, old man!"

And to think the infirmary wouldn't take in another crazed patient, Mira burst through the door with Wendy in her arms and plopped her on the bed opposite from him. Laxus stiffened with concern, especially when he saw the same shit-eating grin on the girl's face and the red cracks around her pupils.

"Whoa, Wendy?" Gray echoed, being able to angle his head towards her. "Is she alright? What happened?"

"I gave her my medicine, nya-ha!"

"Seriously, Gramps!?"

Mira sighed. "That's exactly what happened."

Laxus felt his jaw drop. "Are you serious?"

The barmaid met the lightning dragon-slayer's gaping mouth with a tired look. "I don't want to say it's Porlyusica's fault but I'm pretty sure the supplement was a little too potent."

Laxus gestured at his grandfather. "He's high, Mira! I can practically smell it."

"Laxus, if you need help, your grandpa is here to help you," Makarov slurred. "Juvia! Once you're done with Gray—"

"Master!"

"Gramps!"

"Fine, fine, you damn brats. Mira!"

" _Master_!"

"Mira~... I can help with Laxus's problem. Where does it hurt?"

At that, the color drained from the barmaid's face.

The lightning dragon-slayer felt his jaw go slack while Wendy continued to giggle across from him. "How the hell did Wendy get high?"

All he got in reply was a nervous gulp.

Needless to say, Porlyusica was beyond irate when she arrived at the guild later that afternoon. Gramps was the first to go—a combination of grounded sedatives and a solid knuckle to the back of his head made sure he was out cold. For Wendy, well, she was milder when she put her to sleep. Charle, on the other hand, was absolutely mortified and had vowed to stay by her charge's bedside until she recovered.

* * *

"Laxus?"

The lightning dragon-slayer sighed in frustration before angling his head out of the side of his pillow. "Yeah, Wendy?"

"Cana said you can shoot out of a lightning rod. But you're human. Does that mean you have a lightning rod somewhere?"

Laxus could hear Gray chuckling in the dark over the sound of Gramps's snoring. He really hated Bazaar Week.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: January 23, 2018**

 **LAST EDITED: January 25, 2018**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: January 25, 2018**

 **NOTE: What do you guys think? A few more chapters, maybe, and then I'll wrap this up.**

 **Also, thanks _ligersrcool_ for the suggestion. I talked to my friend about it and she thought it would work well with a certain character from a certain guild that caters to certain interests. :)**


End file.
